Getting angry in marriage is not the real problem.
What you do next is.
That is something I have had to learn the hard way. More than once.
I shared a short reel yesterday on instagram. Thank you to those of you who watched it all the way through and shared with your followers. Your engagement there encourages instagram to share the things you and I value with a larger audience.
I created a longer video on the same topic. You can find it below.
Some think strength means being heard. Having the last word. Proving your point. Having a reason ready. Having an explanation. Being able to show why you are right and the other person is wrong.
I get it. It is human instinct. I have done it and if I live past today, I am sure to do it again.
But Scripture is clear that there is a better way.
James writes:
“Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19–20
Those are simple words. But they are not easy words.
When emotions are high, most of us naturally: Speak quickly. Defend quickly. React quickly. Protect our pride quickly.
Before long, a conversation becomes a contest.
We can quickly even forget what started the fight. It's now only about winning.
The trouble is, we are not winning anything by turning our marriage into a competition.
We can tell ourselves we are standing on principle.
We can convince ourselves we are correcting something before it gets worse.
We can frame it as maintaining boundaries or protecting respect.
But many times what we are really protecting is our ego.
The need to win is often insecurity disguised as confidence.
A person who is actually steady and grounded does not need to dominate every conversation. He can say, “You might be right.” He can say, “I did not think of it that way.” He can say the three words we often find the hardest to say, “I am sorry.”
That is not weakness. That is what scripture calls meekness. Strength under control. I once read a description of meekness as a powerful warhorse that is bridled. Strong yet disciplined. When you think of it that way, weakness is actually the one who is not disciplined. Weakness is is seen in the one who can't control their strength and direct it towards a meaningful purpose.
I've been there. I've been responsible for causing competition in my marriage. I have fueled tense conversations. I have defended myself when I should have been protecting my wife. I know what it's like to feel the distance growing in our relationship.
Looking back, it's clear why. I was not quick to listen. I was not slow to speak. I was not slow to anger.
And I was not safe.
That word matters more than most of us realize.
Safe.
A marriage cannot grow where one person feels like every honest thought will turn into a debate or a defense. It's not just about losing our temper either. If anger causes us to withdraw and shut each other out, that's just as dangerous. If your spouse cannot be honest with you without you shutting them out, or powering over them, over time, honesty fades. Many who find themselves giving up on closeness with their spouse say that their feelings disappeared. I often wonder if the cause was years of suppressing those feelings because they no longer felt it was worth the fight that expressing them leads to.
You can win the point and still lose trust.
And once trust starts slipping, you cannot argue your way back to closeness.
James says that human anger does not produce the righteousness of God. The first time I read that while sitting in the context of my marriage it brought tears to my eyes.
There is a difference between being right and being righteous.
Being right is about proving something.
Being righteous is about becoming something.
One feeds pride.
The other forms character.
Every relationship will eventually lead to moments of frustration and anger. That part is unavoidable. I can't imagine there's ever been a relationship that didn't know anger at some point. But what we do in those moments shapes everything that follows.
Listening before speaking changes the tone of a room.
Slowing down gives wisdom time to catch up with emotion.
Choosing understanding over victory protects something far more valuable than being right.
This is not about never speaking up. It is not about pretending you do not have a perspective. It is not about becoming passive or silent.
It is about learning to slow down enough to understand before trying to be understood.
It is about fighting for closeness instead of control.
I have read these truths and made an effort to practice them. I have written them down for myself and wanted to share them with others who may be looking for practical ways to practice them as well. That's why I created The James Challenge. It is a simple guide built around slowly reading through the book of James and putting these kinds of principles into practice in daily life and marriage. It is included inside the Farm Hands subscription, and it is available to anyone who is willing to accept the challenge and work through it honestly.
Not to fix your spouse.
Not to win arguments.
But to let Scripture do its work in you.
Because that is where change always begins.
If there is one thought I keep coming back to, it is this:
If a man feels like he has to win every argument, he is already losing.
The better question is not, “Did I make my point?”
It is, “Did I attempt to make peace?”
When my emails show up in your inbox, feel free to hit reply and let me know how I can pray for you.
We are in this together.
God is for you and so am I.
Warren